Ryon

There's two wars going on right now.

I. Ryon vs. Subconcious Ryon
Ryon wants to be happy.
Subconcious Ryon will not allow himself to be happy.
Subconcious Ryon wins.

II. Ryon vs. Ryan
Ryan becomes happy.
Ryon becomes jealous of Ryan's happiness and therefore sad.
Ryan becomes sad because Ryon is sad.
Ryon becomes sad because he's made Ryan sad because he's sad.
This process continues...
Nobody wins.

I had no intent to upset him with that last entry. These things are all my problems. I really don't want to burden anybody with them. I don't need somebody to get on a cross for me. I just want you all to be happy. Don't let me ruin it for you. If you've got it, go with it. Go for the gold, bitches.

...and then I realized that I'd never be good enough. The song we listened too...I was never good enough for Emily all of those years ago. I never would have been. Maybe if I was she'd still care now, we'd still be friends. I looked at them...those kids on the trampoline...Chelsea, Mears, Rachel Kelly, they're all so beautiful, and I'm not. Maybe if Mears wasn't so much better than me people would like me too. Fuck him, fuck him for being better than me. I looked at them...those kids on the trampoline...and I realized I'd never be good enough for anyone. I looked at the sky, and I knew, if there was something out there, a god, or whatever, I'd never be good enough for it either...if I was it wouldn't put me through all this shit.

I sat on that swing, while everyone layed on the trampoline warm and happy. I sat there and cried because I know I'll never be good enough. I don't think they noticed I was crying...I didn't want them to.

Today was a bad day. When I got to school Last night when I was lying in bed I started thinking about my dad. The whole my mom's foot thing brought about that thought pattern I think...I don't know what I'd do if something happened to her. I hope she starts to feel okay. I've been wishing it was me instead of her that fell down the stairs. I started crying in school today because I was thinking of my dad. I wanted to goto the nurses office just to lay down but I was in gym...the gym teacher is an asshole plus when I got there she wasn't there so I just had to go back to the gym and sit on the bench and I just tried not to make it too noticable that I was having a fucking nervous breakdown. I hate that teacher so much.

That's another thing. I just said hate. I never used to use that word. Now I do. I don't know if I like what I'm becoming.

This paragraph is going to be selfish. My mom is going to have surgery near my birthday...I don't know if I'm going to get to do anything for my birthday. I don't know if we'll get to go out to eat...I don't know if I'll get to have friends over...I don't know if I'll even be able to goto the party somebody offered to make a "Ryon birthday party". I just want my birthday to be special, ya know? I want to do stuff with people who are special to me. I want to go out to dinner with my family...I want to have a big party with all of my friends...or at least a small one with the ones who I'm really close to. I really want those things but I don't know if I'll have them this year.

I don't know if things are going to be the same again. I don't know when things are going to be better.

Sometimes I hate Mears because everybody likes him more than me. Sometimes I hate Jon even more.

Most of the time I love them both...but sometimes...

Isn't it a conundrum when you know you're not good enough for somebody who think's they're not good enough for anybody, particularly that guy you know she's way too good for?

This weekend was worth all of the disappointment I got dealt because of one long I'd say 20-30 second hug. It was the best hug ever I do believe...I hate having crushes.

Can I get an amen?

I can't help but smile.


InsomniacByWill (9:54:36 PM): did I tell you how great driving with you was?
InsomniacByWill (9:54:55 PM): I was driving with sarah and we talked about how much we love you.

God...everything has just been piling up. Everyone (or at least some people) have noticed I've just been staring off into space for the past week saying "Oh, man." or "Oh my God." I don't know what my problem has been recently. Thing upon thing, I think a lot of friendships that used to be really special to me are nowhere near as they used to be. I fear that a lot of people don't like me. I want to be in a relationship but I don't want the hurt that one entails. I want to be in a relationship with specific people. I'm not doing as well in a lot of classes as I wish I was. I fear a lot of things...it's all just too much.

Yesterday I went riding with Rachel Kelly, Chelsea, and Aaron Miller. It was really nice but all I could think about was how much Chelsea and my friendship has deteriorated. I hate it so much. I used to be able to call her and talk to her for hours upon hours. I don't know where that's all gone. She never wants to hang out with me anymore. She'll say she doesn't want to hang out but then still hang out with somebody else. It's like I'm just not important anymore. I hate it so much (so much that I just used the exact same sentence I used earier and didn't notice untill I finished the sentence after this one). I used to be able to tell her anything and now it's like we're strangers.

How could I have let this happen?